Worried about someone?

It can be hard to know how to support a friend or loved one who is experiencing domestic abuse. You might have concerns based on something that’s happening now, worries you’ve had before over something they've said, or something you’ve noticed happening.

Most of us will already know someone who is going through it. In the UK, one in 4 women and one in 6 men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. It can happen to anyone, of any age and from any background.

If someone is experiencing abuse, they are most likely to turn to someone they know - friends, family members, neighbours and colleagues. Some may tell their doctor or another professional, but it's usually the people around them who suspect something is wrong or they feel able to confide in.

What do you say if you think someone is experiencing abuse?

Reach out

Don't be afraid to reach out to someone who you think needs help. Someone who's experiencing abuse might want someone else to ask if they're okay.

Be gentle

Start any conversation gently, conveying your concern. You could ask about things you have noticed, something like:

  • "You haven't been in touch much lately. Is everything OK?"
  • "I've noticed you seem a bit down. Has anyone upset you?"
  • "I'm worried about you, you seem..." [scared, sad, different or whatever fits]

What to do if someone tells you they're experiencing abuse

How you respond when someone opens up to you about what they're experiencing really matters, whether you've asked them about your concerns or whether they've told you unexpectedly.

Listen supportively

Try not to offer strong opinions about the relationship or the person behaving abusively as this may shut down the conversation. Try to have an open mind.

What you can do

When someone confides in you that they are experiencing abuse you can do the following things to help them:

Believe them

Believe what they are telling you and don't blame them for the situation they're in. Don't make them feel that their experience is small or unimportant. Reassure them that you want to help them and help them to recognise:

  • what a healthy relationship looks like
  • that abuse is not 'normal'
  • that everyone, including them, deserves a healthy, non-abusive relationship

Support them

You can do this by:

  • focussing on them, not the person causing harm - even if they stay with their partner, be a safe space for them to come to to talk about it
  • connecting them to support in their community for information and guidance - contact WORTH services or find services in our Get support page
  • helping them develop a safety plan - see information below
  • remembering that even if you feel like there's nothing you can do, you are doing a lot just by being there for them
  • not contacting the person who is causing harm or posting negative things about them online as this may make the situation worse

Don't say 'Why don't you just leave?'

This is a really unhelpful question because:

  • people are at increased risk of serious harm when trying to leave
  • abuse is complicated and there are reasons why a person may not be able to, or may feel unable to, leave

You can see more in our section below about why people stay in abusive relationships.

Other help you can give

  • Ideally, there is a plan in place for ending an abusive relationship but of course sometimes there can be an emergency situation where the decision is made urgently. It helps to have thought about this beforehand.

    Professionals who work with people in abusive relationships can provide expert support to create safety plans to reduce the risk of harm when leaving the relationship, so contact domestic abuse services for advice.

    There are also tips you can share with the person experiencing abuse:

    Pack an emergency bag

    Get them to pack an emergency bag to hide in a safe place in case they need to leave quickly, including items like:

    • passports
    • birth certificates
    • keys to their home or car
    • money
    • medications
    • clothes
    • children’s toys

    Work out a plan for leaving

    Help them to work out a plan for leaving including:

    • who to call
    • where to go
    • how to get there

    A plan is important because it is difficult to think about these things quickly.

    Have a code word

    Agree on a code word so they can signal to you if they are in danger and need urgent help.

    Other practical support

    You can also offer lots of different types of practical support, such as contacting support organisations and helplines on the person’s behalf with their consent.

  • This scheme gives people the right request information about the current or ex-partner of someone they know because you are concerned that they might be at risk of domestic abuse in the future. This is called the 'right to ask'.

    See more information about Clare's Law on our Get support page.

Why do people stay?

You may wonder why a person wouldn't just leave the relationship. Often, people put themselves in the place of others and imagine leaving at the first signs of abuse. But leaving is more complicated than it seems. There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships.

An abusive person may make direct threats of violence towards their victim, any children or other people, pets or property that the abused person cares about or needs.

People who are in an abusive relationship are likely to suffer from low self-esteem and confidence. They might have felt this way before the relationship, or it might have developed during the relationship.

On top of this, there may be practical reasons that may make them feel they have to stay including children, money and housing.

It takes, on average, 7 attempts before a woman is able to leave for good. Leaving an abusive partner is a process, not a single act.

Refuge: Domestic violence charity for women and children

Common reasons for staying

In addition to the attachment the person will have to their abuser, there are many reasons a person may stay. We've listed some possible reasons below.

Circumstances

An abused person may be:

  • financially or physically dependent on the person causing harm
  • lacking in support
  • isolated

Fear

An abused person may fear that:

  • the person causing harm will take their children away, or that they might lose custody of the children
  • people won't believe them
  • physical harm will come to themselves, loved ones or their property
  • emotional harm will come to children from the loss of a parent, even if that parent is causing harm
  • they have nowhere to go
  • they will be alone

Beliefs

An abused person may believe or feel that they are:

  • responsible for the abuse
  • helpless, hopeless and trapped
  • culturally or religiously tied to the person causing harm
  • guilty over the failure of the relationship

It takes a lot of courage, strength and support to be able to even think about leaving.

Other help to support victim-survivors

Use these links to find more information.